Spaced Teacher vs. The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee
Wo Kan Meiguo Mogui ! Hai Pa ! / I See The American Devil ! I'm Afraid !
By Spaced Teacher
I was teaching in a small town in Central China where I was the first " lao wai" / foreigner that this school had EVER had and was also the ONLY " lao wai " at this school. The responsibilities were great. I was very excited to get involved with my students many of whom had never even seen a " lao wai " before. Basically I was in a situation where there were a lot of very eager impressionable young Chinese minds to be educated. The best thing was I was given carte blanche to do it my way. I was in heaven at the thought of this opportunity. Not so much later I would come to realize that I was not in heaven at all. I was in , I suspected , someplace in the opposite direction. My suspicions would be confirmed in due course.
As any " lao wai " teacher with experience will tell you the Chinese students always will tell you they want to learn about Western culture. The truth is quite to the contrary. 90 % of them have absolutely no interest in anything that is not Chinese. I'm fairly certain now after six years of experience that The Committee of 17 Sub - Committee On Education tells them to say that. The thinking is probably that they will make themselves look smart by saying that to a "lao wai "and that it will probably please the " lao wai " that foreign people are interested in their cultures. In any case I was still fairly new in China so even though I was beginning to have doubts and starting to see the big picture I took them at their word.
Halloween was the first Western / American Holiday we encountered during the year. I was so excited about the fun I was going to have with these kids teaching them about Halloween and partying with them. I asked all my students in all my classes if they wanted to learn about Halloween. A resounding yes was the response. I was quite pleased. I then asked them if they would like to go trick or treating and have a party. A resounding yes. I explained to them about costumes and told them to buy / make one. Now being an American with a twisted bizarre sense of humor as those of you that know me are aware I was not happy just keeping this on campus.I wanted to involve some of the local townspeople living near the campus. We made flyers in Chinese explaining to the local people what Halloween was and what would be happening on their streets come Halloween night. They appeared to be quite interested and supportive.
Halloween night arrived and all of my students met me at my apartment on campus. Most of them had no costume at all. A few had masks. A few had great costumes. Off we proceeded to introduce Halloween to the people living on campus. We tricked and treated. We hid behind trees and scared people. We did some simple fun tricks such as throw eggs on windows and silly string cars and what not. I was beginning to notice though that as we went further and further along my posse was greatly diminishing. I also was disappointed that they didn't want to do anything on their own. I had to be the center of attention to get them to do anything. By the time we got to the far end of campus we had about ten kids that were still with me and having fun. I was very disappointed in the other 300 but I figured what the Hell at least now I know who wants to have fun. We proceeded onward.
It was time to take the celebration off campus. Off to the main street surrounding the campus we went. The Chinese merchants and family living there were very supportive and seemed to be getting into the spirit of the day.They also appeared to be highly entertained. I had noticed though that by the time we got to the end of the street we were down to three kids. I told them ok we'll finish up this street and call it a night. We did and I sent them home. I however was NOT finished. I wanted one good " BOO!!! experience before I went home.
I walked into an internet bar. I think I was costumed as a Demon as I remember. My face was painted and I'm sure I was a fearsome sight to the Halloween rookies. I just walked in and strolled up to the head of the room. Everybody's eyes were on me . I'm sure they didn't know quite what to think although they seemed to be chuckling. I waited about two minutes just staring at them intently. Finally at the top of my voice I shouted Happy Halloween BOO!!! She sprang from her chair like an angry Tigress protecting her cubs. She had a broom and she wasn't afraid to use it. Out of her internet bar she chased me swinging her broom violently and extremely accurately. The place was howling . Out into the streets I ran with her in hot pursuit yelling at the top of her voice. She was probably swearing at me in Chinese.
The people on the streets were falling down laughing although they were a bit concerned for my safety. A couple of gentleman restrained her and began , judging by the way they were pointing at the flyers we had posted , explaining to her what was going on. She was PISSED!! She ceased her attack but she kept her eyes on me and her broom handy. There was no way she was letting me back in her internet bar. My mission was completed. I placed my thumbs in my ears , help up my fingers and wiggled them at her while sticking my tongue out. The Chinese people were roaring. I went home happy that night. I had brought a little bit of Western culture to China although in not quite the way I had intened. I'm fairly certain that the woman was a Sister Of Jardeen Ignorance And Chaos.
Some people have no sense of humor. The Sisters And Brothers Of Jardeen Ignorance And Chaos are certainly amongst the foremost of those folks. How unfortunate that so many of the Chinese students are also among them. They are way too young to be this boring. To be this young and be constantly afraid of taking part in the fun things of life or of taking a chance doesn't bode well for the future of China in my opinion. There is going to be a bad moon rising over China soon I'm afraid.
There is a sadness that afflicts the Chinese people that I guess is reflective of their history. How unfortunate it is that in this time of great economic prosperity and hope in China the Chinese people do not seem to be able or perhaps willing to overcome this sadness.
The Committee Of 17 has a stranglehold on them it would appear. Let's all pray that they eventually will overcome it.
By the Grace of Li Tan
P.S. : To The Committe Of 17. Your day is coming soon. The American Guadzi / Devils are coming for you. You can run but you can't hide. While your waiting for us do have a Happy Halloween.
BOO !!!
Readers please be aware that these stories of " Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos { China } are written in two different threads. " Spaced Teacher Battles The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee " are the true stories of my experiences here in The Middle Cosmos while " The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan" is my FICTIONAL re-write of 5,000 years of Chinese history , mythology and culture from a foreigner's perspective.You're probably thinking " My God how presumptuous of him." Trust me somebody had to do it. They've had 5,000 years to get the job done and they just keep screwing it up. We trust our readers to be able to distinguish between the two topic threads contained within the story. That may be a giant leap of faith on the author's ,my ,part. I write the damn story and there are days I can't remember which thread is which. The Middle Cosmos has a way of confusing the most rational clear thinking people. It's part of the price you must pay for the experiences of living here. As is the case with all of humanity's gardens there are flowers and weeds. The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazee. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine. I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us so be careful with your grammar and spelling you never know when The HaNazee Grammar Master #1 or The HaNazee Spelling Misstress # 7 are watching.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spaced Teacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced One or Bea herself.
I hope that " Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos " will soon become an epic novel of adventure and conquest. If you are or know a literary agent that would be interested in publishing this please have him contact Bea. He / she can just leave a comment about one of the blog posts and Bea will see it and reply . Bea is not Lucidly Challenged ALL the time !!!
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