Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao's Miracle
The Napping Panda Of Sichuan { Ch. 1 }
By Spaced Teacher
In The Ten Commandments Of The HaNazee faith you will find two that are particualry troublesome for foreigners. The first one is " Nothing Or Nobody In China May Move Faster Than The Napping Panda Of Sichuan " and the second is " Always Obfuscate , Delay , Intimidate And Frustrate The Foreigners In China In All Dealings ". A component of this commandment is face. For those of you that don't know the concept think of it as a fear of being embarrassed on steroids. On a national level " face " is the reason that a multi - million dollar stadium which now sits empty and unused was built in Beijing for the Olympics. It's very important to the Chinese leadership especially but also to the everyday Chinese people that China be seen as a major player in world affairs and the cost and consequences be damned. On an educational level face is the reason that in a class of 35 students 30 will contribute nothing to the class and will absolutley refuse to ask a question. They would rather stay stupid then admit to the foreign teacher and in front of their classmates that there is anything they don't know. This idea in their heads raises all kinds of problems for the foreign teacher and is very taxing mentally for us. It is also also highly wasteful of precious and expensive class time. Generally what happens is that the foreign teacher is unable to reach these kids so they stay stupid and end up in some menial job somewhere on Chairman Mao's Plantation. There are other examples of this idea such as their constant need to remind everybody that China has a 5,000 year old history and culture and their Holy Reverence for the Olympic Flame. I find both of these cultural traits of the Chinese amusing . It never occurs to them that essentially everybody has a 5,000 year old history and culture. Nor does it occur to them that for the 80 % of the existence of that culture they contributed exactly nothing to humanity. It will annoy them to no end if you point out to them that all the great leaps in humanity's history have originated in the Western Judaeo - Christian cultures. I suggest you do it every chance you get. As for the Olympic Flame it amuses me that their Holy Reverence for The Olympic Flame in a Godless country is contradictory and paradoxical. As for " The Napping Panda Of Sichuan " Commandment , that originated as all of them do with the eternal fuckwit first Emperor Of China , Wo Bu Zhi Dao. Basically they are scared to death that if their people develop , in all fields of human endeavor , too quickly then they will toss the current leaders out of the Palace. That would mean they would need to do the one thing they all , especially the HaNazee men , fear the most. Get a REAL job. In The Dreaded Private Sector where you actually have to work and produce results. As far as the current leaders of China who are known as The Committee of 17 are concerned another 5,000 years of the status quo would be fine with them. This eternal fuckwit Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao and his modern day Disciples known as The Committee Of 17 were and are a major pain in the ass.
As part of the Chinese students quest to gain face with the foreigners they will always tell us they want to learn about culture. I can tell you based upon ten years of experience teaching here that they do not mean it. 90 % of them are only interested in their own cultures. I can also tell you that 90% of them aren't bright enough to realize that a good foreign teacher is going to call their bluff every time. When that happens and they realize that now they have to walk the walk not just talk the talk it's highly entertaining for the teacher. I recently called their bluff.
About one week before Halloween I asked them if they'd like to celebrate Halloween. A resounding and emphatic yes was their answer. Now I was born at night but not last night. I knew two things about their reply. Firstly they have no real interest in learning about anybody else's culture. That takes work and effort. They say yes because it's what The Committee of 17 { Sub - Committee On Education } tells them to say in order to gain face with the foreigners. Secondly I knew that they would go along , making as little effort as possible , if it meant getting out of the classroom and not having to study that damn English book. What they didn't know was that there was no way it was going down like that. I explained to them what they'd have to do. " But teacher we can't wear a costume it's against the rules. " That was bullshit and I knew it. It was time to apply a little heat. " O.K. students in that case we'll make a new rule. Anybody that wishes to pass this class will be in costume next week." Now they had two problems. How not to lose face by walking around campus in a Halloween costume and the awakening realization that their teacher was not some rube. He expected participation , effort and results. They were in DEEP shit in their minds. Halloween came and about half of the class came in costume and the other half didn't. The half that did will be rewarded and the half that didn't won't be. That ability to give the final grade is a powerful tool !! lol It's good to be laoshi / teacher. I put a striped white sheet over my head and off we went to bring Halloween to some of the Chinese teacher's classes -- UNANNOUNCED. I walked into about 6 Chinese teacher's classrooms quietly and ghostly with my class in costume in tow. The looks were astonishing. They had no clue what was happening. I stood there just staring at them intently for a couple of minutes. It then dawned on the teachers and a few of the students what was going on. The vast majority were still clueless though. I walked up to a few individual students and just stared at them. Finally I walked to the front of the room and gave them my best Halloween Ghostly BOO !! It amazes me how people that can play with firecrakers all during their Spring Festival and not bat an eyelash at the noise can have the bejesus scared out of them by a Halloween BOO !! or a loud fart in the classroom. We brought Halloween Culture to six Chinese classrooms and were received well by four once they realized what was going on. One Chinese teacher threw a box of chalk and a book at me .The other one , a middle aged male , met me at the door and in no uncertain terms escorted me out. I gave him a Ghastly Halloween shriek and left. We adjourned to our own classroom where I showed them the movie Ghostbusters. I also walked around the campus in my Ghostly personna bringing Halloween to the campus at large. Outside the gates near my apartment building are some food venders. I went and stood near them silently. One of them threw some hot cooking oil at me. Not to worry I knew what she was getting ready to do so she missed. Two educated teachers behaving as they did and one peasant woman throwing hot cooking oil on a harmless Halloween Ghost. That 5,000 year old civilization has certainly lead to an enlightened culture. lol
On Wednesday afternon at the conclusion of my final class my Foreign Affairs Officer was waiting for me just outside the door. " We've had some complaints from the Chinese teachers and students that your Halloween celebration has scared them so you must stop it at once." Can you believe that a Hallowen Ghostly BOO scares them to this degree? Do you still think that these people are going to rule the world? " O.K. I said I'll stop visiting the Chinese classrooms and only play the movie for my remaing 4 classes. " An emphatic " No " was the reply . " But I promised them that I'd play it for them. " If you want to continue working you'll obey what we tell you. " I had no choice or so they thought. Knowing how the HaNazee behave I had a back-up plan. That however is a story for another time. How ironic that the people that are so concerned about " face " didn't give a damn about making me lose face in front of my students.
They could have said " Paul thank you for showing us your Halloween Culture it was great fun" but they chose not to.They could have said " Show the movie to your last four classes. Do not ever do anything like that again without prior approval " but they didn't. If you ever come to China to teach , work or do business do not make the mistake that face is a coutesy to be extended to you. Face is only for Chinese people. You are just a foreign worker here that is not worthy of that courtesy. You are to be tolerated and nothing more. Perhaps some day the educators of this country such as those two teachers and my school's administration and The Committe of 17 will be more concerned with actually educating their people and bringing them into the 21st Century at long last rather than keeping The Usefull Idiots on Chairman Mao's Plantation. Considering that there is far more profit in keeping them on Chairman Mao's Plantation I doubt that that day will ever come.
The Napping Panda Of Sichuan is taking a prolonged nap.
Readers please be aware that these stories of " Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos { China } are written in two different threads. " Spaced Teacher Battles The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee " are the true stories of my experiences here in The Middle Cosmos while " The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan" is my FICTIONAL re-write of 5,000 years of Chinese history , mythology and culture from a foreigner's perspective.You're probably thinking " My God how presumptuous of him." Trust me somebody had to do it. They've had 5,000 years to get the job done and they just keep screwing it up. We trust our readers to be able to distinguish between the two topic threads contained within the story. That may be a giant leap of faith on the author's ,my ,part. I write the damn story and there are days I can't remember which thread is which. The Middle Cosmos has a way of confusing the most rational clear thinking people. It's part of the price you must pay for the experiences of living here. As is the case with all of humanity's gardens there are flowers and weeds. The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazee. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine. I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us so be careful with your grammar and spelling you never know when The HaNazee Grammar Master #1 or The HaNazee Spelling Misstress # 7 are watching.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spaced Teacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced One or Bea herself.
I hope that " Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos " will soon become an epic novel of adventure and conquest. If you are or know a literary agent that would be interested in publishing this please have him contact Bea. He / she can just leave a comment about one of the blog posts and Bea will see it and reply . Bea is not Lucidly Challenged ALL the time !!!
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