Lucidity Is THE Enemy { # 2 }

Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao's Miracle

Spaced Teacher vs The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee

Lucidity Is THE Enemy !! { # 2 }

By Spaced Teacher

When I first came to China ten years ago I was as most Americans still are woefully ignorant of how the Chinese really are. I swallowed our government's P.R. campaign about how the Chinese were "rapidly emerging ", "becoming a world player" , "modernizing at a very fast pace" , "it was a new day in China". Yada yada yada. I'm telling you now based upon TEN CONSECUTIVE years of living in China none of this is true. Do NOT fall for it. If you're one of those people that STILL believes China is going to rule the world any time soon please read on. I think I can disavow you of that opinion. If you are not well read on anyway. I think you'll get a chuckle.

Recently I moved to a new city. Upon arrival in this new city I needed to set up a new bank account at The Bank Of China. Now you folks being intelligent American / Western people and having some idea of how a professionally run business operates are probably saying " Well that sounds simple enough. " That assumption on your part would be your first mistake in any of these sorts of dealings in China. Nothing in China is ever easy or simple. It's not their way. Although all the banks in China are owned / tightly controlled by the Chinese government this rapidy modernizing emerging economy has not figured out a system that allows the banks to talk to each other. It's only been 5,000 years guys have patience. In other words The Bank Of China in Harbin is totallly independent of The Bank Of China in Guangzhou. They are operated under completely different systems. This should be a matter of simply transferring the funds from one bank to the other and should take minutes or hours at the max. In China it will take days and you will be buried under a mountain of paperwork and red tape. You will also most likely have to deal with a Yellow Knight Of The HaNazee. More on that in due course. There will also be numerous associated fees which will also all require their own paperwork and red tape. It is never a pleasant experience dealing with The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee. I had been in China for nine years now so I knew most of what was coming. The Chinese always seem to find a way of throwing you an unpleasant curve though.

I walked into the spotlessly clean Bank Of China in my town and sat down with one of the stylishly dressed and very polite tellers to do my business. Knowing what I was in for I had brought one of my Chinese students who was very proficinet in English with me. I had 25,000 Ren Min Bi more commonly known as yuan or kwai to deposit into my new account. She took all the necessay information as they would in America. All of this took but a few minutes. I was starting to wonder if I was going to be blessed with the help of a Jardeen Rose or if the curve was coming. I was hoping for the former. I got the latter. It came time to check my passport to verify my I.D. On my passport my name is typed thusly PaulA Stanner. Yes there should be a space between the Paul and the A. Chinese Civil Servants are not the only Civil Servants that attend The International University Of The Perpetually Intellectually Challenged. There is a sizable American student body there.This was a cause of great concern for the teller. I explained to my student that my middle name was Angus and that was what the A stood for. The teller was not convinced. She consulted with two of her teller colleagues. Nothing my Chinese student could say would mollify them.Out came the Bank Manager. Apparently Western middle names are a real Chinese mindfuck. Now you've probably guessed by now that their stupidity was beginning to highly agitiate this American. Keep in mind that there are 1.5 billion people in China so consequently there is always a huge line for any of these types of service. All three tellers and the bank manager had been working on this problem for twenty minutes now and STILL they wouldn't believe us. The other Chinese bank customers were getting quite pissed at them and me and rightly so in my opinion. Customer service is a foreign concpet in China. It was time to take a little direct American action. I told my student to tell them to either accept what we were telling them and open the account witihin five minutes or give me my money back and I would go elsewhere. Now THEY had the problem. You see in China all the banks are controlled by The Committee Of 17. The Committe Of 17 , much like the Democratic Party in America wants to , controls all the important and necessary functions of daily life such as banking , mobile and regular phone service , the newspapers , TV and radio , etc etc. If you are lucky enough to get a government job in China you are guranteed an adequate life, just barely. You do get to wear a nice suit and look good though. In China it's always style over substance. It's virtually impossible to fire a Chinese Civil Servant as it is in America. These Civil Servants have attained an adequate life and a little power. They can if they choose make people's lives a living Hell. Many of them especialy like doing that to foreigners. Power is addicitve and seductive. Think of The Committe Of Seventeen as The Democratic Party in America and The Chinese Civil Servant as The Committe of 17's " House Nigger " as the vast majority of Black people in America are The Democratic Party's " House Nigger ". This American was about to confront The Committee of 17's "House Nigger" with a very unpleasant problem. The conversation raged on for five more minutes. They wanted the money as all Chinese do but if they screwed up and did the wrong thing The Slave Master would demote or fire them. Their adequate life was in jeopardy here. Decisions decisions !! NEVER confront a Chinese "House Nigger" with this kind of choice. You will get results but they will hate you passionatley and carry the grudge forever. They are vindictive to the max. If your paths should cross again they will do everything they can fair or unethical as Hell to even the score. I confronted them with the choice again and this time much more forcefully and loudly. The Chinese customers were getting nervous. The security was also getting very itchy.Two more minutes of fervent discussions and still no money and no account. I did what any self respecting American would do. I pulled a screaming hissy fit. Thirty seconds later I walked out of their bank with my money. My student told me later he was concerned for my safety but impressed with the way I handled it. I explained to him that that was not the way I would have preferred to handle it but that they gave me no choice.

The next time you hear some China apologist speak of how advanced the Chinese are and how they're going to rule the world some day soon remember this story. Also the next time you hear the Chinese bitching about how poor they are remember this story. They turned downed a 25,000 RMB deposit for their bank because they couldn't figure out how to deal with an American middle name. That doesn't sound like a developed modern country to me. Does it to you? Do you seriously think these people are going to rule the world some day? If that should happen in spite of my predictions I assure you that it will be Dum Luk on the Chinese part combined with incredible stupidity about how the Chinese really are on the American.

As for why the Chinese are like they are read on below.

In the HaNazee , whom you would know better as the ChiComs , Holy Book's Ten Commandments there is one that is based in the concept that lucidity is the enemy. This Commandment , as all of them do , originated with the first HaNazee Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao. At the time there were about 400 foreigners or " lao wai " in his Kingdom. Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao knew of these foreigners strength of character and intelligence and of their God Sheng Di. He feared that these lao wai would take over his Kingdom and bring all of their crazy ideas such as Human Rights , Kentucky Fried Chicken , Chuck Berry , Jazz , a work ethic and equal rights and infect his people thusly freeing them.The HaNazee Nation was in it's infancy at this stage and wasn't strong enough to confront these lao wai directly yet so a more subtle tactic had to be developed. Emperor Wo Bu Zhi was a paranoid delusional fuckwit who suffered from fecal occulus but he wasn't stupid. The HaNazee Ten Commandments were written. One of these commandments has to do with constantly frustrating the lao wai with stupidity and muddled thinking. Lucidity is the enemy if you will. As anybody with any substantial amount of Chinese experience will tell you this is the case about 80 % of the time. Another one had to do with thinking rationally and providing prompt couteous service. Again as anybody with any substantial Chinese experience can tell you this happens about 20 % of the time. Now these Commandments to the inexpeirenced in Chinese psychology and methodology would seem to be in contravention of each other . The experienced lao wai knows better. They are actually in conjunction with each other. Think about it guys. If you were used to dealing with unvarnished stupidity 90 % of the time and then all of a sudden you got clear rational thinking wouldn't you be confused. Mission accomplished from Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao's point of view. The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee do their job extremely well.

P.S. : Being a determined American who doesn 't let HaNazee fuckwits tell me what I can and can't have or do I ultimately solved the problem. I'll tell you how in my next chapter. Well about 80 % of it anyway. NO problem ever gets permanently and correctly fixed in China. It's not their way.

Lucidity Is THE Enemy !! Long live Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao.

If you enjoyed this story and would like to read more of my Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao's Miracle I suggest that you click on the links provided within in the story itself or below.

Lucidity Is THE Enemy { # 1 }

If You Go Carrying Pictures Of Chairman Mao { #'s 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 }

I See The American Devil !! I'm Afraid !!

Trying To Reason With Hurricane Season.

Readers please be aware that these stories of " Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos { China } are written in two different threads. " Spaced Teacher Battles The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee " are the true stories of my experiences here in The Middle Cosmos while " The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan" is my FICTIONAL re-write of 5,000 years of Chinese history , mythology and culture from a foreigner's perspective.You're probably thinking " My God how presumptuous of him." Trust me somebody had to do it. They've had 5,000 years to get the job done and they just keep screwing it up. We trust our readers to be able to distinguish between the two topic threads contained within the story. That may be a giant leap of faith on the author's ,my ,part. I write the damn story and there are days I can't remember which thread is which. The Middle Cosmos has a way of confusing the most rational clear thinking people. It's part of the price you must pay for the experiences of living here. As is the case with all of humanity's gardens there are flowers and weeds. The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazee. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine. I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us so be careful with your grammar and spelling you never know when The HaNazee Grammar Master #1 or The HaNazee Spelling Misstress # 7 are watching.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spaced Teacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced One or Bea herself.

I hope that " Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos " will soon become an epic novel of adventure and conquest. If you are or know a literary agent that would be interested in publishing this please have him contact Bea. He / she can just leave a comment about one of the blog posts and Bea will see it and reply . Bea is not Lucidly Challenged ALL the time !!!